* * the plan * *

*

*

It's not that I know

what this means

but

i am going to find out !

I need a goal , a plan

so I will go and make myself 

a plan .

My plan is to make a plan .

*

I like that idea

I will create my own plan .

happy

new year

2016

I will be blogging

about my PLAN 

*

light

*

*

see

the light

in others

&

treat them

like

that's all

you see

*

confused

*

*

yesterday-evening

I saw a program on tv 

and they were talking about

blogging and vlogging and you-tube followers

and sponsorship.........

and suddenly I realised

I AM OLD .

pick a word and start writing

says the part on the top 

I love doing that .

I love words and I love

what writing does to me .

How all that's inside my head 

suddely seems to find a way out

on the paper through my pen ,

fountainpen , always.

My hand starts writing and the ink

on the paper brings peace 

and surprises me over and over ...

So often I understood more of myself

after reading what I wrote down .

However

I am not so good in just writing

as in a diary .....

It has to be adressed to ......

like in a letter ......

or in a blog ...........

For a long time 

my children were the ones 

who kept me informed 

when I saw what they were doing

and how they were doing it .

now they are all living on their own 

and I do not see so much anymore .

I already was looking for 

where I could belong 

in blogging for example.

since my life changed so much

by no more working 

no more children in the house 

I kind of lost my goal ..............

and it came to me 

I had to find out for myself 

what I want .........................

so 

I decided 

that will be my subject 

that is what I will write about 

my search 

in the past years 

there were so many 

chances to look back to 

how it was 

and how it is now .

I am still confused but 

I found out that's okay,

as long as I am on my way .......

searching .....

For me it took courage 

to except I do not know

but I would like to know 

so 

here I go 

have a wonderful new week

you all

*

a little help from you , friends

*

living alone 

*

understanding

that my life

is more beautiful 

for having been broken.

a lot happened and a lot changed

and that is in each life .

my life is mine

and made me who I am today

I love blogging 

it took a while before

I found my own way/style 

and along bloggers I connected with.

and than the internet

changed that too

some bloggers disappeared

to facebook , instagram

and lost their need to blogging.

I too am on facebook and instagram

also there trying to find my own way.

I am not looking for followers 

never did 

of course I love when one

loves to follow ME 

when they do .

but I also love to feel connected 

to know there is a connection .

in blogging 

I am 

as in my life now

a kind of living alone again.

my kids are on their own

I am on my own 

and many blogfriends left too

went elswhere

and I feel like on my own here too.

but

I would like to find new friends

here

like in the real world 

I need to go out 

and meet people 

if 

you read my blog

and you have an idea

for me 

please point to me 

other bloggers YOU think

could be an idea for me to 

start following 

I could use a little 

HELP

from friends 

*

secret and silent

*

november

is the pearl-grey month.

the changeling between

warm crimson October

ad cold white December.

the month

when the leaves fall in slow 

drifting whirls

and the shapes of the trees

are revealed 

when the earth 

imperceptibly wakes

and stretches her bare limbs 

and displays

her stubborn unconquerable strength

before she settles uneasily 

into winter.

NOVEMBER

is secret and silent 

Alison Uttley

*

I always assumed I love 

N O V E M B E R 

so much because I was born

in november .

The month of my birthday .

I LOVE birthdays .

the season of rain and being indoors

and tea and lots of books .

I was a reading girl 

and my birthday always brougth me

new books 

I LOVE books .

I love the way they "feel"

the smell of the paper 

the structure of the paper 

the lay-out

all of it 

and

above all

the magic

of disappearing

in the story

the not wanting to stop reading ......

as a child I was allowed to read one chapter

before sleep !

and than the ligth had to go out !

In school we were allowed

to take one book a week ..

Loved that too 

to be able to choose 

for myself 

for free....

At a schoolreunion a few years ago

I heard for the first time

most kids from my class

were NOT allowed to read at home.

they had to help and work .

Reading was waste of time .

that was in the fifties

 one of the advantages

of growing older is

to understand my life

more and more .

By being a grandmother

it's like I got an overview

of how wonderful life is .

a new birthday

I love it 

sweet november to all of you 

*** impermanence ***

*

*
I love this time of the year .
October is my  favorite month.
temperature is fresher
the air is damper
the smell is different
and
the october-sun making it all
pleasant to be outside and 
also showing the beauty of the 
fall-colors .

ADMIRE
I love to admire all fall's beauty .
of course Spring and Summer are
wonderful seasons too but
to me AUTUMN crown's them all.

the beautiful spiderwebs

in the early mornings

the old deciduous decayed 

I find touching beautiful .

spring and summer can be 

just a bit TOO much for me .

too powerfull 

I can have that with people too.....

too powerful , too present ..........

I love it when attention is a bit

different , when there can be connection 

to the inside , the innerworld .

and yet I have called this phase of my life 

( turning 65 november 2 )

THE SPRING OF MY LIFE 

I know it is called the autumn of life .

but it is because I am getting access to 

a powerful feeling inside me to 

be - become ME-MYSELF 

after being a mother and a teacher 

for a long time .

I feel like a beautiful chestnut who

has been growing and growing and collected

all nature has given him-her

through the seasons and the years 

and has all in himself what's needed to grow 

on his own.

Oh help 

it's hard to find the words in another language.

I hope you can understand a little bit

what I mean to say .

and 

as a crown on my life

I went to the forest

yesterday

with my granddaugther , she is 4

being here

this time of the year

with her

seeing fall through her eyes 

collecting all the chestnuts , 

acorns , beechnuts , hazelnuts and pinecorns.

was amazing 

feeling the new ME .

being able to drive my car 

to walk overthere 

with my two new hips and

never even thinking about that anymore......

I felt SO lucky and grateful and thankful .

my heart was dancing of pure joy .

and 

my son lent me his laptop

so I can blog again 

happy october you all .

*

My own flow

*

I used to start my days musing with my first coffee , some writing and than GO .

Because my life was filled with my four children and my job as a kindergarten-teacher .

That was my ME-time .

I loved my very-early-morning bike rides to school when the world was waking up and I seemed to be the only one on the road ..... The rhythm in my biking worked as a creative inspirational process.

Thinking about the day to come .....

I was always very early at "work" so I could pick fresh flowers and have coffee and making a warm welcome for the children .

Not working anymore and no children in my home anymore changed all of that .

Now it's August 2015 and after receiving two new hips in 2014 I am working on my come-back 😊

I have one new "job" and that is being a grandmother .

She is a bundle of joy and has so much love to give for free ❤️

From the first time I saw her , and my son as a father I entered a whole new world .

In my new function as a grandmother all comes together to the MAX .

My experience as a mother and as a teacher in a whole new dimension.

So far so good.

I could have graduate in ADJUSTING  with honors 

But I never was very good in taking care of myself . Taking care of others was my first always. 

So , being on my own I started to believe I did not take care of myself very well and by adjusting I did not make my own choices in life .

That a sad thought..... How could that be my life ? I could not believe that would be the outcome !

So I did not give up and "studied" this new fase and challenge and was determined to not give up on myself .

And than life started to bring me new lessons . At first I did not notice them as lessons . To be honest for a while I was thinking all went wrong !

That's a whole other way of looking 😊

And than things started to change .

I began to see "lights" ......

I had clear moments .

I developed my own kind of therapy 

Knitting , just to see what the colors did next to one another. Just to knit .

And also 

Coloring/drawing 

Endlessly coloring for harmony and joy 

I draw the forms with gold and than color them .

Not for showing but just for me .made my head at peace. 

And my third therapy 

Making little garlands from felt-hearts also to be busy with my hands and enjoying the happy colors .

Also just for myself but garlands have to hang free and so I could no longer hide my process . 

Doing all of that the thoughts in my head and the memories found new ways to bring peace in my mind .

I was so used to keep much for myself because I had to do it myself as a single mother of four and than the walls started to crumble and I had to learn to involve others in my process. I had to learn to ask for help and accept help .

I send some garlands all over the world to blog friends 

(If you would like to have one I gladly send you one or as many as you like 😂)

My life as a mother

My dream was happily ever married 

It changed when he left us 

And I had to be so much braver than I ever imagined 

To make the best of it .

There was not always time to be in the present .

There was so much to do and to worry about . I have spend endless time on worrying.

And now that's changing/changed too .

No more worries but 

JOY and happiness in my life 

And thanks to my newest way of blogging on my IPhone I can finally add my own pictures in my text .

I am slowly getting there 

Being the grandmother of Eva makes my life such a joy ❤️

Happy blogging to all of you 

🎏 chaos 🎏

*

*

To much is happening around me 

and I have a hard job to

focus and be myself

whatever THAT may be .

I am so trying to find my way in 

the life I have now and

somehow I am an outsider .

When life is calm I am okay and I have been able to survive and handle bustle 

when I was a mom of four with a full time teaching job ..... But that has changed.

Oddly enough I seem to have lost control.

I do know it's important to me to KNOW what's coming so I can be prepared.

Well that is not how life works .

My children may not live in my home anymore they for sure are still in my life and a part of my life . That's the good thing of course .

However in my head that causes to much when they want me to come along and share their real life .

I already mentioned I am a stay-at-home person loving to hear the stories .

But I must admit , knowing that , I think it finally brings resignation .

Aha ..... This is how I am who I am .

I can choose now , for my own , how to fill my life .

Hope you don't think I am confused .

It's the opposite.

What's changed is , I am in charge now

and must take care of myself now .

I was so used to take care of others .

This new "job" is the most important one of all . In the others I succeeded if I may say so .

For a while I assumed being a grandmother was my new challenge 

For a part that's true but above all being me is the biggest challenge .

Today I have a lazy ME day and that means , writing , reading , coffee and in the house . Just me and myself .

Thank you for following and taking time to leave comments . That means the world to me . 

Happy August to you ❤️

🎏🌎 traveling 🌺

*

*

I have never been a traveling-person.

Always love to be at home .

I am SO happy my four children did not inherite that part . 

Yesterday I was at Schiphol airport Amsterdam with my eldest son to pick up my daugther Anna who had been to Florence Italy . Her flight was delayed

for hours so she arrived at midnigth instead of early evening . She was supposed to take the train to Rotterdam but we surprised her .

I do LOVE being at Schiphol and watch the endless stream of travelers coming and going . She was asked to take care of two little boys during a wedding in Florence .

My other daugther visited Berlin with friends , came home and left the next morning to fly to Marbella/Spain .

My youngest son and his girlfriend wil be flying to Portugal in August .

And I still love to be HOME but I also love to hear their stories , to see the pictures they send ...... 

I am fascinated by people who travel THE world .

My way of traveling has always been ..... 

in reading and since a few years on THE internet .

Blogging has brought me friends across the ocean , we met on the internet and started sending real old-fashioned mail too. I even met Koralee from Canada already twice here in Holland .

Facebook and instagram are a way of connecting too . Finding people without traveling !

And yesterday at Schiphol I suddenly thought wel ..... Maybe ...... Once .....

Happy last days of july to you ❤️

Happy garland part two

Today I asked my friend who once helped me to start blogging  advice because my laptop is not working anymore and blogging on my iPad is not working for me ..... 

She simply asked : " and on your iPhone ?" 

And I was flabbergasted because why did not I think of that myself ?

So I went to the AppStore and now this is my first attempt.

Already I could easily find my own pictures and use them .

Hallelujah 😊

Now I am to find out soon what it will look like .....

Because overhere I did not find (yet) how to choose letter type and sidebar 

But I am already so happy I found this 

Thanks to my sweet friend Saskia again 

She no longer blogs but is very active on Facebook Instagram !

I am a bit more old-fashioned. 

Hopefully this iPhone blogging will bring me further 

Testing to place pictures

Please let me know how it looks 

Happy week to all of you 

🎏🌺🎏🌺🎏🌺🎏🌺🎏

🎏 happy garland 🎏

*

*

And suddenly

you know..............

It's time to start 

something new and trust 

the magic of beginnings.

*

My garden is already more a garden again 

than I could have imagened.

It's a new challenge because everything

has to be in pots now .

Lots of watering EACH day 

Learning what works and what not .

My granddaugther is a great help.

She has a habit of talking to the plants

and the flowers and the insects 

that is a kind of magical ✨ 

And still it did not yet feel 

my garden .

Something was missing .....

One day when Eva was with me

suddenly I knew :

and we made a wonderful happy garland 

and THAT was the missing part .

The picture is NOT my garden 

I am still not able to get my own pictures 

in my blog 

However 

it is what it is 

so just the words .

When I sit in my garden now

with the garland waving and showing

me to DARE more and more .

Just to be me 

Happy july to you 

❤️

🌺❤️ dance ❤️🌺

*

I am not a dancing

person 

on the outside 

however

on the inside 

I think I dance

there is JOY 

and there is my 

granddaugther .

She loves to dance 

all the time .

*
Together we worked in 
the garden and 
there is a lot going on there.
There is GREEN and movement
from all kinds of little insects 
and Eva talkshow to them !
She finds out if ants can swim
and HOW they swim
She catches lots of SNAILS 
and gives them names ....
and
we now have our own strawberries

She knows the names of 

the plants too and she loves 

the way they sound .......

like 

Oost-Indische-kers ......

and that strawberries wear CROWNS 👑

So we have our own way 

of dancing through life 

Me and my granddaugther

I teach her 

and she teaches me 

❤️