maandag 10 februari 2014

NOT ANYMORE



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*
I changed my mind
I was not going to tell you all
to share with you 
about my SECOND operation ,
untill afterwards.
When all would be behind.

Tomorrow ... February 11
I will receive MY SECOND NEW HIP 
The other hip was also very bad
and I still was in a lot of pain
with that one.

However 
my new hip is a true miracle
No more pain and
 recovering wonderful

The difference
could not be bigger
My one part is now better than a long time
and my other part is still in pain .

before I dared to say that
to admit that
 took me a while 

When I went back to the hospital
for my check-up
I was grateful and happy 
and I was afraid and sad.

My orthopedist
understood immediately
what was going on .
The pictures confirmed
my story .

Let's do the other one too
he sad .
I was relieved
and 
sad at the same time.

Relieved 
because when the second one
 was going to be
as wonderful as the first 
than all my misery
would be solved

Sad
because I hoped I was done
and now I had to do all once more.
all over again.

Why did I had so much trouble
sharing all of this ?
I guess It felt like
I disappointed every-one.

Every-one was so happy for me
and glad for me 
and focussed on my recovery
I supposed
that was what every-one
wanted to hear .

I was afraid
to admit the truth.
I was afraid
If I would share it
it became real
and I could not handle that yet.
for myself.

The first operation was already
such a big step for me 

A lot happened since than
with me
as a person 

The balance
 was far away
my one half was reborn 
and able to focus on the future
and my other half 
was still old and used up 
and reminding me of the past .

old and new 
next to each other 
in me

I intended 
not to share 
any of this
and 
tell all about it
when the second operation would be done

and now
I changed my mind
and that is a big step for me
and I realise now
how happy that makes me 
How I have changed allready
and how I am not afraid anymore
about life as it is .

somewhere
on the way I had become 
a scared human being
and I adjusted
to make sure 
as little as possible
could go wrong and hurt me
so I lived very safely
and 
I made sure not much could 
hurt me anymore 
so I shared only what was safe .

I learned SO MUCH in the last months
SO MUCH
and I finally let go
all of my fears 

and I realised
how I can share 
what's happening
and what's going to happen
Tomorrow
with you
because
THAT
is how it is.

HELLO WORLD 
I am here 
in the present 
and I am SO LOOKING FORWARD
to the big day tomorrow
or better said
to my new life after that.....

Oh boy
there will be so many
SURPRISES
to come

I hope you forgive me
for sharing this
so late in the process




*



10 opmerkingen:

  1. Ik kan je alleen maar heel veel sterkte wensen. Jij bepaalt zelf wanneer je iets met ons wilt delen. Ik vertel meer niet dan wel:) Ik ga aan je denken morgen en stuur je veel positiviteit en kracht, want we hebben nog steeds een wandeling in 'ons' park te goed ! Lieve groet

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  2. Francis, you are very brave to share all this with us. I wish you all the best for your operation, and soon you will have full mobility in both hips, and feel years younger! With my love and prayers, Geraldine x

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  3. Oh my sweet friend...I am so glad I came over to say HI to you today. Such wonderful news...I was wondering how your other hip was doing. Do not feel bad at all we all want to celebrate with YOU. You know exactly what to expect now. I am so so so happppppppy. Praying for you tomorrow my friend. xoxoxoxooxxo Love always.

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  4. Dear Francis,
    What a truly beautiful story. Love drives out all fear, and I think that is what's going on here. You have so much love, my friend, and it is overflowing with goodness.

    May God be with you during your operation tomorrow, and soon you will receive another hip and feel so much better. I am thinking of you during this time in your life Francis.

    Love,
    ~Sheri

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  5. I am so late here my friend, since I try to only blog during the morning; you must have posted this while I was at work, and since I don't blog at night, I missed this.

    What can I say, but as I read your words, I can see behind them. I can see a beautiful soul experiencing what we all experience in various ways. The body is a necessity, is intensely wired to feel pain, but as much as we know it to be our "ALL", it is not. I believe it houses what is even greater.....and your GREATER YOU is learning the journey that you are taking in this body. This is not the place for me to write it, but there is a poem here. I can literally SEE the joy and real meaning behind the fear. We all have fear, but under it all is a courageous soul, wanting to get out.

    No need to feel fear with us; we are in this together. I am SO HAPPY FOR YOU that you will be BRAND NEW both physically, and spiritually. LOVE TO YOU!

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  6. Deze reactie is verwijderd door de auteur.

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  7. I will be praying for you...
    I'm glad you took that out of your chest and shared with us.
    It won't do much of a difference you know? Nothing will change in us. Your friends...

    Some will fret - but they already would fret when they saw that you weren't posting for while; others will feel honored that you shared a secret - because it is YOUR secret and you decided to let them in it; and others will be able to pray and ask that soon you feel as well as you did in that first round of hip surgery.

    I'm sending many healing blessings for you. When Spring comes you will be painless and enjoying Life and Nature with a Thankful Smile.

    I just spotted the following quote in your side bar on the right:

    "You can't get COURAGE without walking through VULNERABILITY"


    Take Care,
    Teresa

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  8. I did not get to check blogs yesterday because I was having a dinner party so I couldn't wish you luck and my guess is by now, you are already in recovery. I hope all went well and you are running alongside the canals and across bridges soon.

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  9. I am very happy for you and I hope you get well very fast.
    Take Care
    Lesley

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  10. Good afternoon dear Francis! How are you feeling?

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