donderdag 31 december 2015

* * the plan * *


It's not that I know
what this means
i am going to find out !
I need a goal , a plan

so I will go and make myself 
a plan .
My plan is to make a plan .

I like that idea
I will create my own plan .

new year

I will be blogging
about my PLAN 


vrijdag 25 december 2015



the light
in others
treat them
that's all
you see


zaterdag 28 november 2015



I saw a program on tv 
and they were talking about
blogging and vlogging and you-tube followers
and sponsorship.........
and suddenly I realised

pick a word and start writing
says the part on the top 
I love doing that .
I love words and I love
what writing does to me .
How all that's inside my head 
suddely seems to find a way out
on the paper through my pen ,
fountainpen , always.
My hand starts writing and the ink
on the paper brings peace 
and surprises me over and over ...
So often I understood more of myself
after reading what I wrote down .

I am not so good in just writing
as in a diary .....
It has to be adressed to ......
like in a letter ......
or in a blog ...........

For a long time 
my children were the ones 
who kept me informed 
when I saw what they were doing
and how they were doing it .

now they are all living on their own 
and I do not see so much anymore .

I already was looking for 
where I could belong 
in blogging for example.

since my life changed so much
by no more working 
no more children in the house 
I kind of lost my goal ..............
and it came to me 
I had to find out for myself 
what I want .........................

I decided 
that will be my subject 
that is what I will write about 
my search 

in the past years 
there were so many 
chances to look back to 
how it was 
and how it is now .

I am still confused but 
I found out that's okay,
as long as I am on my way .......
searching .....

For me it took courage 
to except I do not know
but I would like to know 
here I go 

have a wonderful new week
you all


vrijdag 20 november 2015

a little help from you , friends

living alone 

that my life
is more beautiful 
for having been broken.

a lot happened and a lot changed
and that is in each life .
my life is mine
and made me who I am today

I love blogging 
it took a while before
I found my own way/style 
and along bloggers I connected with.

and than the internet
changed that too
some bloggers disappeared
to facebook , instagram
and lost their need to blogging.
I too am on facebook and instagram
also there trying to find my own way.

I am not looking for followers 
never did 
of course I love when one
loves to follow ME 
when they do .
but I also love to feel connected 
to know there is a connection .

in blogging 
I am 
as in my life now
a kind of living alone again.

my kids are on their own
I am on my own 
and many blogfriends left too
went elswhere
and I feel like on my own here too.

I would like to find new friends

like in the real world 
I need to go out 
and meet people 

you read my blog
and you have an idea
for me 
please point to me 
other bloggers YOU think
could be an idea for me to 
start following 

I could use a little 
from friends 


zaterdag 31 oktober 2015

secret and silent

is the pearl-grey month.
the changeling between
warm crimson October
ad cold white December.
the month
when the leaves fall in slow 
drifting whirls
and the shapes of the trees
are revealed 
when the earth 
imperceptibly wakes
and stretches her bare limbs 
and displays
her stubborn unconquerable strength
before she settles uneasily 
into winter.
is secret and silent 

Alison Uttley


I always assumed I love 
N O V E M B E R 
so much because I was born
in november .
The month of my birthday .
I LOVE birthdays .

the season of rain and being indoors
and tea and lots of books .
I was a reading girl 
and my birthday always brougth me
new books 
I LOVE books .
I love the way they "feel"
the smell of the paper 
the structure of the paper 
the lay-out
all of it 
above all
the magic
of disappearing
in the story
the not wanting to stop reading ......
as a child I was allowed to read one chapter
before sleep !
and than the ligth had to go out !
In school we were allowed
to take one book a week ..
Loved that too 
to be able to choose 
for myself 
for free....
At a schoolreunion a few years ago
I heard for the first time
most kids from my class
were NOT allowed to read at home.
they had to help and work .
Reading was waste of time .
that was in the fifties

 one of the advantages
of growing older is
to understand my life
more and more .

By being a grandmother
it's like I got an overview
of how wonderful life is .

a new birthday
I love it 

sweet november to all of you 

zaterdag 3 oktober 2015

*** impermanence ***


I love this time of the year .
October is my  favorite month.
temperature is fresher
the air is damper
the smell is different
the october-sun making it all
pleasant to be outside and 
also showing the beauty of the 
fall-colors .

I love to admire all fall's beauty .
of course Spring and Summer are
wonderful seasons too but
to me AUTUMN crown's them all.

the beautiful spiderwebs
in the early mornings

the old deciduous decayed 
I find touching beautiful .

spring and summer can be 
just a bit TOO much for me .
too powerfull 

I can have that with people too.....
too powerful , too present ..........

I love it when attention is a bit
different , when there can be connection 
to the inside , the innerworld .

and yet I have called this phase of my life 
( turning 65 november 2 )


I know it is called the autumn of life .
but it is because I am getting access to 
a powerful feeling inside me to 
be - become ME-MYSELF 
after being a mother and a teacher 
for a long time .

I feel like a beautiful chestnut who
has been growing and growing and collected
all nature has given him-her
through the seasons and the years 
and has all in himself what's needed to grow 
on his own.

Oh help 
it's hard to find the words in another language.
I hope you can understand a little bit
what I mean to say .

as a crown on my life
I went to the forest
with my granddaugther , she is 4

being here
this time of the year
with her
seeing fall through her eyes 
collecting all the chestnuts , 
acorns , beechnuts , hazelnuts and pinecorns.
was amazing 
feeling the new ME .

being able to drive my car 
to walk overthere 
with my two new hips and
never even thinking about that anymore......

I felt SO lucky and grateful and thankful .
my heart was dancing of pure joy .

my son lent me his laptop
so I can blog again 
happy october you all .


donderdag 13 augustus 2015

My own flow

I used to start my days musing with my first coffee , some writing and than GO .
Because my life was filled with my four children and my job as a kindergarten-teacher .
That was my ME-time .
I loved my very-early-morning bike rides to school when the world was waking up and I seemed to be the only one on the road ..... The rhythm in my biking worked as a creative inspirational process.
Thinking about the day to come .....
I was always very early at "work" so I could pick fresh flowers and have coffee and making a warm welcome for the children .

Not working anymore and no children in my home anymore changed all of that .
Now it's August 2015 and after receiving two new hips in 2014 I am working on my come-back 😊
I have one new "job" and that is being a grandmother .
She is a bundle of joy and has so much love to give for free ❤️
From the first time I saw her , and my son as a father I entered a whole new world .

In my new function as a grandmother all comes together to the MAX .
My experience as a mother and as a teacher in a whole new dimension.

So far so good.
I could have graduate in ADJUSTING  with honors 
But I never was very good in taking care of myself . Taking care of others was my first always. 
So , being on my own I started to believe I did not take care of myself very well and by adjusting I did not make my own choices in life .
That a sad thought..... How could that be my life ? I could not believe that would be the outcome !
So I did not give up and "studied" this new fase and challenge and was determined to not give up on myself .
And than life started to bring me new lessons . At first I did not notice them as lessons . To be honest for a while I was thinking all went wrong !
That's a whole other way of looking 😊
And than things started to change .
I began to see "lights" ......
I had clear moments .
I developed my own kind of therapy 
Knitting , just to see what the colors did next to one another. Just to knit .

And also 
Endlessly coloring for harmony and joy 
I draw the forms with gold and than color them .
Not for showing but just for me .made my head at peace. 
And my third therapy 
Making little garlands from felt-hearts also to be busy with my hands and enjoying the happy colors .
Also just for myself but garlands have to hang free and so I could no longer hide my process . 

Doing all of that the thoughts in my head and the memories found new ways to bring peace in my mind .
I was so used to keep much for myself because I had to do it myself as a single mother of four and than the walls started to crumble and I had to learn to involve others in my process. I had to learn to ask for help and accept help .

I send some garlands all over the world to blog friends 
(If you would like to have one I gladly send you one or as many as you like πŸ˜‚)

My life as a mother

My dream was happily ever married 
It changed when he left us 
And I had to be so much braver than I ever imagined 
To make the best of it .
There was not always time to be in the present .
There was so much to do and to worry about . I have spend endless time on worrying.
And now that's changing/changed too .
No more worries but 
JOY and happiness in my life 

And thanks to my newest way of blogging on my IPhone I can finally add my own pictures in my text .
I am slowly getting there 

Being the grandmother of Eva makes my life such a joy ❤️

Happy blogging to all of you 

woensdag 5 augustus 2015

🎏 chaos 🎏


To much is happening around me 
and I have a hard job to
focus and be myself
whatever THAT may be .
I am so trying to find my way in 
the life I have now and
somehow I am an outsider .
When life is calm I am okay and I have been able to survive and handle bustle 
when I was a mom of four with a full time teaching job ..... But that has changed.
Oddly enough I seem to have lost control.
I do know it's important to me to KNOW what's coming so I can be prepared.
Well that is not how life works .
My children may not live in my home anymore they for sure are still in my life and a part of my life . That's the good thing of course .
However in my head that causes to much when they want me to come along and share their real life .
I already mentioned I am a stay-at-home person loving to hear the stories .
But I must admit , knowing that , I think it finally brings resignation .
Aha ..... This is how I am who I am .
I can choose now , for my own , how to fill my life .
Hope you don't think I am confused .
It's the opposite.
What's changed is , I am in charge now
and must take care of myself now .
I was so used to take care of others .
This new "job" is the most important one of all . In the others I succeeded if I may say so .
For a while I assumed being a grandmother was my new challenge 
For a part that's true but above all being me is the biggest challenge .
Today I have a lazy ME day and that means , writing , reading , coffee and in the house . Just me and myself .
Thank you for following and taking time to leave comments . That means the world to me . 
Happy August to you ❤️

dinsdag 28 juli 2015

🎏🌎 traveling 🌺


I have never been a traveling-person.
Always love to be at home .
I am SO happy my four children did not inherite that part . 
Yesterday I was at Schiphol airport Amsterdam with my eldest son to pick up my daugther Anna who had been to Florence Italy . Her flight was delayed
for hours so she arrived at midnigth instead of early evening . She was supposed to take the train to Rotterdam but we surprised her .
I do LOVE being at Schiphol and watch the endless stream of travelers coming and going . She was asked to take care of two little boys during a wedding in Florence .
My other daugther visited Berlin with friends , came home and left the next morning to fly to Marbella/Spain .
My youngest son and his girlfriend wil be flying to Portugal in August .
And I still love to be HOME but I also love to hear their stories , to see the pictures they send ...... 
I am fascinated by people who travel THE world .
My way of traveling has always been ..... 
in reading and since a few years on THE internet .
Blogging has brought me friends across the ocean , we met on the internet and started sending real old-fashioned mail too. I even met Koralee from Canada already twice here in Holland .
Facebook and instagram are a way of connecting too . Finding people without traveling !
And yesterday at Schiphol I suddenly thought wel ..... Maybe ...... Once .....
Happy last days of july to you ❤️

dinsdag 21 juli 2015

Happy garland part two

Today I asked my friend who once helped me to start blogging  advice because my laptop is not working anymore and blogging on my iPad is not working for me ..... 
She simply asked : " and on your iPhone ?" 
And I was flabbergasted because why did not I think of that myself ?
So I went to the AppStore and now this is my first attempt.
Already I could easily find my own pictures and use them .
Hallelujah 😊
Now I am to find out soon what it will look like .....
Because overhere I did not find (yet) how to choose letter type and sidebar 
But I am already so happy I found this 
Thanks to my sweet friend Saskia again 
She no longer blogs but is very active on Facebook Instagram !
I am a bit more old-fashioned. 
Hopefully this iPhone blogging will bring me further 

Testing to place pictures
Please let me know how it looks 
Happy week to all of you 

dinsdag 14 juli 2015

🎏 happy garland 🎏


And suddenly
you know..............
It's time to start 
something new and trust 
the magic of beginnings.

My garden is already more a garden again 
than I could have imagened.
It's a new challenge because everything
has to be in pots now .
Lots of watering EACH day 
Learning what works and what not .

My granddaugther is a great help.
She has a habit of talking to the plants
and the flowers and the insects 
that is a kind of magical ✨ 

And still it did not yet feel 
my garden .
Something was missing .....
One day when Eva was with me
suddenly I knew :
and we made a wonderful happy garland 
and THAT was the missing part .

The picture is NOT my garden 
I am still not able to get my own pictures 
in my blog 

it is what it is 
so just the words .
When I sit in my garden now
with the garland waving and showing
me to DARE more and more .
Just to be me 

Happy july to you 


woensdag 17 juni 2015

🌺❤️ dance ❤️🌺


I am not a dancing
on the outside 
on the inside 
I think I dance
there is JOY 
and there is my 
granddaugther .
She loves to dance 
all the time .
Together we worked in 
the garden and 
there is a lot going on there.
There is GREEN and movement
from all kinds of little insects 
and Eva talkshow to them !
She finds out if ants can swim
and HOW they swim
She catches lots of SNAILS 
and gives them names ....
we now have our own strawberries

She knows the names of 
the plants too and she loves 
the way they sound .......
Oost-Indische-kers ......
and that strawberries wear CROWNS πŸ‘‘

So we have our own way 
of dancing through life 
Me and my granddaugther
I teach her 
and she teaches me 


donderdag 4 juni 2015



give up on
that you can't go
a day 
without thinking
about it .

I have been thinking 
 about blogging
a lot 
and I came
to the conclusion
that blogging is unique.

I have let myself 
get carried away
in using facebook
and instagram
and a lot of blogfriends
are there too
for me 
blogging is like 
the small shops
where the owner has 
time and attention.
facebook and instagram
are more like THE MALL
It's more about looking 
and being seen ......

I am a huge fan
of old streets with little shops
( like the shop-around-the-corner
in the movie YOU'VE GOT MAIL )
and I choose to be true 
to that again .

Since I got a second chance
with my TWO new hips
my life turned around
because it 
coΓ―ncideer with
retiring from my job
as a kindergarten-teacher
and also 
my four children 
leaving the house 
to live their own lives .

A lot of changing 
and the new hips 
turned out to be 
the biggest gift of all.
It's the being-able-to-stand-on-my-own
TWO FEET again
To be independent .

A new start 
learning to live my life 
at home 
On my own 

My granddaugther got
4 in may 
and she now goes to 
The school where I worked
for so long .
To see how she has grown
and also took a new step
in life is so wonderful to experience.

We all have a place in life
and we all are sometimes 
wandering .....
The friendships I found
are very valuable to me .

My laptop going down
should not have been 
an excuse 
for not blogging .
blogging on my IPad 
takes ME a lot of time
and patience ..............
so is shopping in the small shops 
in the old streets 
and it's all about
choices .
I have time 
lots of time 
to do things my own way now .

How lucky I am